Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Jessica Cruz

Well there she is>>>>>>>>>

Her name is Jessica Ashley Cruz, I meet her when I was 6 years of age, she lived right next door. Its the child hood crush that becomes a reality, but so much more then that. She was born 569,777.83 mintues after me, for those of you who do not know that means 1 year and 1 month. I was born May 27th 1989, she was born June 27th 1990. She was a meannn person, or maybe i was just annoying, I can accept either one. But we were young, we were kids. I grew up liking this girl alot, but she never gave me the time of day. I listened to her for years talk about other guys and who she liked and I gave her advice on who to date, all the while I loved her but I still stood there as a friend. We went to different schools, we grew up completey different lifes and lifestyles but it always felt like she was the one for me. Well years passed, every summer, every month I had the chance I would ask for a chance, I got shot down every time, i was used to it, it started to hurt less and less. I was called "ugly,immature,ill i would never date you" Yea ive heard it all. It got so bad I started to believe what she would say beacuse she was the one person who could affect me so what she said had to be true. I was sent to Florida for about 8 months for my behavior and how i was in school, well how i wasnt in school because i felt i didnt need to go and they were only teaching me things i already knew. While in Florida i think it made me and Jessica closer. I realized even more how much she meant to me and I missed her and how i appreciated sitting on the stoop with her laughing,making jokes,talking about sazon and her other spanish traditions, letting her and my other friends try buckleys for the first time and seeing their reaction. Sounds like little things, but to a teenager without real friends and with only one person you trust and can tell anything to it meant alot. While in Florida I acted up in school again! smh I just couldnt get it right, not because i was stupid just because I thought i was to smart for them and they were below me and had no right to tell me what to do. I put my sister Rheanna through ALOT of shit while in Florida. But me and Jessica left on bad terms before i left, we argued and we didnt talk. I reached out to Auria, jessicas mom as a middle man between me and jess to try to come to a common ground. So me and jess got back in touch, it felt right as usual, but she still didnt like me that way, heck when we would talk and say goodbye we would say "i love you, but not like that". i would say it just because she did but i honestly did love her. So in Florida my whole assperation to come back was for Jessica and to try to be with her and show her ive matured. I came back in the middle of june, i remember being on the plane that day and landing and smelling New Yorks dirty air, ahhh it felt good to be home, to hear cop cars and see dirty birds, train rats, sounds crazy but those were the things that made me feel i was at home. Well i came home, saw some friends, saw Alvin jessicas dad he literally picked me up and hugged me and then he went to get jess and her sisters. Her sisters ran and hugged me, but Jessica kinda stood back. She smiled but it wasnt the big hello i was hoping for, but then again i was hoping for her to run into my arms kiss me and say i love you, but i was always an extremist. Months passed, still she didnt like me or atleast she said she didnt. November finally came, it was a usual fall day, tree leaves turning colors, not cold enough yet for me to put a sweater on but then again it never really was. It was November 6th, we went out with her friend Mari and our mutal friend Angelica, now Angelica is that friend everyone needs, although shes crazy she never picked sides, well she would but in a way it made sense she can shit on you to her and shit on her to you. She made you feel good. She was never and till this day isnt good at keeping secrets, so she would say little things like "ohh jess there he is, or aww look" I would pretend i didnt hear it because i did not want to get excited and get hurt, but on the inside i felt like i was a 6 year old boy again, were i would get so hyper and didnt know how to act. Well November 6th went on like a usual day, but it was one of the best days of my life. We were on the stoop, i finally grew enough well ya know, to finally ask "jess do you like me?"..she put her head down and started laughing, finally god looked out, this was my chance to show her i was the one for her. November 6th, ahh yea that was the first day of my life all over again. Now we couldnt technically date until she was 16, so we werent dating, but we would hold hands and kiss sometimes, it felt sooo werid at first but so right. This is what i have been dreaming of for so long and it finally came true. We started dating March 2nd. Everything was finally right, the girl of my dreams, everything ive hoped for since i was about 6. Everything was great, no fights, just a couple in love. How that changed. I got my GED because in order to be with her, her family required i get something going for my life school wise. They always wanted the best for me and especially for her....Well i got it thank god. I started working full time, about 65 hours per week as a restaurant manager, i got comfortable and lost track of what was really important, so Jess couldnt take it, and not that i can blame her, i was at work non stopppp. So we seperated, took about a year and a half break. We talked to other people n dated but it wasnt the same. i felt like i was cheating even though i wasnt with her. And im sure she felt the same. so we got to talking and decided to give it another shot, why not we were each others first love. everything was smooth, till now. You see people i have a problem, i assume the worst is always going to happen, i do not trust ANY body, not because I have a gulity mind or heart but because everyone i love always seemed to walk out on me some how. So i was assuming jess of the worst, things deep down in my heart i knowwww she would not do. But it took a toll on her, after a few dumb phone incidents on my behalf and some letting her family down, we just broke up again. I am not sure what im going to do, as ive mentioned my life since i was about 6 has included me and her getting married and starting a family. Now it seems it wont happen. Once again no one to blame but myself. Now im confused,lost,scared,lonely, not sure what step to take next, where to turn, im going down an endless path of depression and I need to find a turning lane soon but my only source of comfort and happiness was with the one person I just finised letting down AGAIN. smh, damn im so stubborn sometimes, and like the good ol george carlin said "pride goeth before we fall". and my gma says a "hard head makes a soft behind" damn they were right. i am hoping she can forgive me, but to be perfectly honest she shouldnt, she deserves the best life in the world, she deserves to not work hard and just be treated like the queen that she is, and the point im at currently in my life i cant do that for her. I can do it eventually but its going to take time, i need to correct my mistakes and make myself a better person before i can try to give her the happiness she derserves. i am not to sure how many people will read this but it helps to let it out. eventually i will win my jessica back, may not be now, or next month or hell in a year, but trust me ill get her back. and unlike the last time i wont take it for granted because i out of all people know nothing is forever and things dont say working without work. i cant build a masterpiece without tools i just need to buy some new ones because my other ones are worn and no longer working. but when i get them itll be the life ive always dreamed of. like they say all good things must come to an end, but they got it wrong, me and jess were and are great, well atleast she is, i can be if i wasnt so stubborn and stuck up. but i got some work to do, and the first step is admitting well thats what everyone says. i wish they made it so easy that they gave me all the steps but then that wouldnt be life. nothing stays great without work, indeed, well time to get to work, might take awhile, i might die trying, but i wont go out without a fight, because she never gave up on me, EVER. im going to need some help along the way, hope some people can step up to the plate.

1 comment:

  1. dat was sweet wat u wrote ... i always hope for da best n never give up so im hoping 4 da best for u cuz i dont wish no bad things on other ppl life is too short for dat .... yea ur rite it will take awhile to get back up on ur feet running but sometimes u gotta learn how 2 run first b4 u can walk i wish da best for da both of u