Jessica Cruz

Well there she is>>>>>>>>>

Her name is Jessica Ashley Cruz, I meet her when I was 6 years of age, she lived right next door. Its the child hood crush that becomes a reality, but so much more then that. She was born 569,777.83 mintues after me, for those of you who do not know that means 1 year and 1 month. I was born May 27th 1989, she was born June 27th 1990. She was a meannn person, or maybe i was just annoying, I can accept either one. But we were young, we were kids. I grew up liking this girl alot, but she never gave me the time of day. I listened to her for years talk about other guys and who she liked and I gave her advice on who to date, all the while I loved her but I still stood there as a friend. We went to different schools, we grew up completey different lifes and lifestyles but it always felt like she was the one for me. Well years passed, every summer, every month I had the chance I would ask for a chance, I got shot down every time, i was used to it, it started to hurt less and less. I was called "ugly,immature,ill i would never date you" Yea ive heard it all. It got so bad I started to believe what she would say beacuse she was the one person who could affect me so what she said had to be true. I was sent to Florida for about 8 months for my behavior and how i was in school, well how i wasnt in school because i felt i didnt need to go and they were only teaching me things i already knew. While in Florida i think it made me and Jessica closer. I realized even more how much she meant to me and I missed her and how i appreciated sitting on the stoop with her laughing,making jokes,talking about sazon and her other spanish traditions, letting her and my other friends try buckleys for the first time and seeing their reaction. Sounds like little things, but to a teenager without real friends and with only one person you trust and can tell anything to it meant alot. While in Florida I acted up in school again! smh I just couldnt get it right, not because i was stupid just because I thought i was to smart for them and they were below me and had no right to tell me what to do. I put my sister Rheanna through ALOT of shit while in Florida. But me and Jessica left on bad terms before i left, we argued and we didnt talk. I reached out to Auria, jessicas mom as a middle man between me and jess to try to come to a common ground. So me and jess got back in touch, it felt right as usual, but she still didnt like me that way, heck when we would talk and say goodbye we would say "i love you, but not like that". i would say it just because she did but i honestly did love her. So in Florida my whole assperation to come back was for Jessica and to try to be with her and show her ive matured. I came back in the middle of june, i remember being on the plane that day and landing and smelling New Yorks dirty air, ahhh it felt good to be home, to hear cop cars and see dirty birds, train rats, sounds crazy but those were the things that made me feel i was at home. Well i came home, saw some friends, saw Alvin jessicas dad he literally picked me up and hugged me and then he went to get jess and her sisters. Her sisters ran and hugged me, but Jessica kinda stood back. She smiled but it wasnt the big hello i was hoping for, but then again i was hoping for her to run into my arms kiss me and say i love you, but i was always an extremist. Months passed, still she didnt like me or atleast she said she didnt. November finally came, it was a usual fall day, tree leaves turning colors, not cold enough yet for me to put a sweater on but then again it never really was. It was November 6th, we went out with her friend Mari and our mutal friend Angelica, now Angelica is that friend everyone needs, although shes crazy she never picked sides, well she would but in a way it made sense she can shit on you to her and shit on her to you. She made you feel good. She was never and till this day isnt good at keeping secrets, so she would say little things like "ohh jess there he is, or aww look" I would pretend i didnt hear it because i did not want to get excited and get hurt, but on the inside i felt like i was a 6 year old boy again, were i would get so hyper and didnt know how to act. Well November 6th went on like a usual day, but it was one of the best days of my life. We were on the stoop, i finally grew enough well ya know, to finally ask "jess do you like me?"..she put her head down and started laughing, finally god looked out, this was my chance to show her i was the one for her. November 6th, ahh yea that was the first day of my life all over again. Now we couldnt technically date until she was 16, so we werent dating, but we would hold hands and kiss sometimes, it felt sooo werid at first but so right. This is what i have been dreaming of for so long and it finally came true. We started dating March 2nd. Everything was finally right, the girl of my dreams, everything ive hoped for since i was about 6. Everything was great, no fights, just a couple in love. How that changed. I got my GED because in order to be with her, her family required i get something going for my life school wise. They always wanted the best for me and especially for her....Well i got it thank god. I started working full time, about 65 hours per week as a restaurant manager, i got comfortable and lost track of what was really important, so Jess couldnt take it, and not that i can blame her, i was at work non stopppp. So we seperated, took about a year and a half break. We talked to other people n dated but it wasnt the same. i felt like i was cheating even though i wasnt with her. And im sure she felt the same. so we got to talking and decided to give it another shot, why not we were each others first love. everything was smooth, till now. You see people i have a problem, i assume the worst is always going to happen, i do not trust ANY body, not because I have a gulity mind or heart but because everyone i love always seemed to walk out on me some how. So i was assuming jess of the worst, things deep down in my heart i knowwww she would not do. But it took a toll on her, after a few dumb phone incidents on my behalf and some letting her family down, we just broke up again. I am not sure what im going to do, as ive mentioned my life since i was about 6 has included me and her getting married and starting a family. Now it seems it wont happen. Once again no one to blame but myself. Now im confused,lost,scared,lonely, not sure what step to take next, where to turn, im going down an endless path of depression and I need to find a turning lane soon but my only source of comfort and happiness was with the one person I just finised letting down AGAIN. smh, damn im so stubborn sometimes, and like the good ol george carlin said "pride goeth before we fall". and my gma says a "hard head makes a soft behind" damn they were right. i am hoping she can forgive me, but to be perfectly honest she shouldnt, she deserves the best life in the world, she deserves to not work hard and just be treated like the queen that she is, and the point im at currently in my life i cant do that for her. I can do it eventually but its going to take time, i need to correct my mistakes and make myself a better person before i can try to give her the happiness she derserves. i am not to sure how many people will read this but it helps to let it out. eventually i will win my jessica back, may not be now, or next month or hell in a year, but trust me ill get her back. and unlike the last time i wont take it for granted because i out of all people know nothing is forever and things dont say working without work. i cant build a masterpiece without tools i just need to buy some new ones because my other ones are worn and no longer working. but when i get them itll be the life ive always dreamed of. like they say all good things must come to an end, but they got it wrong, me and jess were and are great, well atleast she is, i can be if i wasnt so stubborn and stuck up. but i got some work to do, and the first step is admitting well thats what everyone says. i wish they made it so easy that they gave me all the steps but then that wouldnt be life. nothing stays great without work, indeed, well time to get to work, might take awhile, i might die trying, but i wont go out without a fight, because she never gave up on me, EVER. im going to need some help along the way, hope some people can step up to the plate.

In the beginning...

Well folks my name is Wyatt John Derrick, some people know me as Derrick, some call me D, others know me simply as Smart ass Wyatt. I am 20 years old, actually 14 days away from turning the big 21!, as if that meant something, but i'm told it does. I grew up in good ol' Brooklyn, NY. My life as a child was not perfect, but who's was?..I've meet a lot of people along the way, Im friends with people i've known since pre-k so its been awhile one might say. School was never for me, heck since kindergarden i have got in trouble for misbehaving so that can kind of tell you the kind of school career i was in for, but i did it to myself and no one is to blame but me. My father left home at a young age, that was a bad year for me, my dad was always the person i looked up to, i can always count on my father if my mom got me upset. I remember the day i found out he was not coming back, i tied my charles barkley sneaker for the first time!, i said "ma whens dad coming home?" I was soooo proud of myself because he had been showing me weeks prior the bunny loop and I could never get it right, but that day I finally did it. My mom sat me down and told me "well wy-wy your dad is not coming back". I was about 7 years old, I did not quite understand what she meant. My father was a musician so I was used to him being on the road for long periods of time, but he always came back, hell he was my dad he had to come back. Needless to say he did not, him and my mom had spilt. At 7 years old i was under the impression it was my fault, I was the last born child, the baby, the last kid they had. Had they not had me then they might have stayed together but who knows. Well he left and we kept in touch and we spoke but its not the same not having the man in your life, a child especially a boy needs a father figure. My mom is by far the greatest person in the world, this lady has been through so much words can not even explain, but she never quit, she took care of me,my brother and my sister. she worked 4 jobs just to make sure we had clothes and a place to stay, she was doing this after losing her baby sister who was murdered, but presistence defines my mother, advercity, because through it all she is still here and still made it happen one way or another, and I do not think actually I know I do not thank her enough for the job she did raising us three, because trust me when I say we werent the easiest kids. So I started acting up in school, cutting, arguing, fighting basically I was rebelling because i felt i had no other way to express myself. Some how I graduated junior high and went to high school. I dropped the ball bad, to sum it all up I dropped out and got my GED, theres more to the GED story i will come back to that. When I was about 6 a family moved next door. The Cruz's. I kind of went back into time but im writing as things come into my mind. Well i might have been six, but some people say love at first sight doesnt exist, but it does, it happened to me. There she was, Jessica Cruz, the loud spanish girl next door..ahhh mi riena to be. But Jessica will get her own blog as it will be alot i need to share. Her family treated me like one of their own, her dad become my father figure, her mom, her sisters even Zues became apart of me. i felt whole again, I know it was not my family but at a young age I would say from the time I was 11-till basically now they were there for me.My mom like i said was working like crazy to support us so anything I needed they helped. They made sure i ate, had clothes, it was truly a blessing from God, not everyone is as lucky as me and has a family thats not their own treat me like their own. I was the stray wolf and they took me in and gave me the love I was lacking. I thank them Dearly for that. My sister Rheanna, well we fought alot, things never just went smooth lol. We had to beat each other, and even though she was older I felt I needed to be smarter and stronger. Like all Brothers and sisters we had our fallouts but in our hearts it was all love. My brother Kyle, he was well you can say an interesting kid, thought the world was against him, no one liked him, he was a loner and till this day he still is. But like I said we were all close in our own way. My sister left home when she was about 16, so that would make me 10 or 11, but It felt like deja vu, another person I loved and needed to be there for me when i needed to cry, or when i got hurt checked on me and made sure i cleaned my cut, just my older sister. I literally stood at the door crying trying to stop her, but there was no stopping Rheanna, Im alot like her, if my mind is set on doing something, Im going to do it. if its wrong then let me learn its wrong, we all need to touch that hot stove sometimes, just me and her needed to touch it the most. Another large step back losing her. But we pushed through and we made it work, it was tough and no one ever said it would be easy I just felt that it was alot harder for me. My brother and I never really spoke, we got along at times but we werent those brothers who talked about girls, sex or other things most brothers do. we had our video games and till this day we bonded that way. I am not to sure if anyone will follow this blog because i am no one special but it helps to get this all out. There is more to come, Jessica Cruz is next.